Christmas woes

I have found, lately, that I often get down whenever there is a break in school. Everything about it is counter-intuitive. My busy life slows down, I get more time with my kids and husband, I have to potential to accomplish the things I am frustrated about not getting done. Yet, almost unfailingly, I feel mopey and low. Not depressed necessarily, but certainly not chipper as I would expect.
I am just not sure why either. It may be in part because I like routine and get thrown off by the change up. It could be that my time isn't as I expect it will. However, I think it might really be that my two greatest nemesises, nemesi, nemessees, nemeses ('what's the plural on that?') dwell in the down time.
When I don't have the momentum of schedule and busy-ness, I get frustrated with my absolute lack of motivation. When my regular life doesn't keep me rushing about my laziness, or shortage of self-discipline, or sluggardlyness is sitting on the couch beckoning me to join them. And the hours slip away and I have accomplished nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I think down time is important; that isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about when I sit on the couch and play games on my phone, browse Pinterest, or look at Facebook over and over again even though there is nothing new happening, for hours. These things do not actually relax me. They do not recharge me. I feel drained and wasteful. If I was reading one of the million brilliant life changing books out there, doing quiet time, or visiting with a friend, or even journaling that would be so much better. Not to mention how much I should be doing yoga, jogging, painting, cleaning, a whole host of other far better expenditures of my time. And again, I genuinely don't think this is about me feeling guilty for having time to myself. I just feel like I am suddenly unable to control myself. These empty pastimes are not how I want to spend my hours, it just happens. And whether it is how someone spends their freetime, how much food they end of eating, how many hits of a cigarette, the times they go back to a bottle- a person who feels out of control of their own self, is a person not at peace.

As fore mentioned, there are two enemies. Sitting next to Lack-of-Self-Discipline is Identity-Crisis. I like how work, ministry, mom-tasks define me. I love the feeling of being needed (really being recognized for being needed even more), of accomplishing something; helping to carry something out (lesson plan, youth event, party, etc).  Summer, Spring, and Christmas break take a little of that away. And I feel naked and unidentified without it.




***I am greatly resisting the urge to positive spin and optimize this post. I am making an attempt to offer more honest and transparency.