Christmas woes

I have found, lately, that I often get down whenever there is a break in school. Everything about it is counter-intuitive. My busy life slows down, I get more time with my kids and husband, I have to potential to accomplish the things I am frustrated about not getting done. Yet, almost unfailingly, I feel mopey and low. Not depressed necessarily, but certainly not chipper as I would expect.
I am just not sure why either. It may be in part because I like routine and get thrown off by the change up. It could be that my time isn't as I expect it will. However, I think it might really be that my two greatest nemesises, nemesi, nemessees, nemeses ('what's the plural on that?') dwell in the down time.
When I don't have the momentum of schedule and busy-ness, I get frustrated with my absolute lack of motivation. When my regular life doesn't keep me rushing about my laziness, or shortage of self-discipline, or sluggardlyness is sitting on the couch beckoning me to join them. And the hours slip away and I have accomplished nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I think down time is important; that isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about when I sit on the couch and play games on my phone, browse Pinterest, or look at Facebook over and over again even though there is nothing new happening, for hours. These things do not actually relax me. They do not recharge me. I feel drained and wasteful. If I was reading one of the million brilliant life changing books out there, doing quiet time, or visiting with a friend, or even journaling that would be so much better. Not to mention how much I should be doing yoga, jogging, painting, cleaning, a whole host of other far better expenditures of my time. And again, I genuinely don't think this is about me feeling guilty for having time to myself. I just feel like I am suddenly unable to control myself. These empty pastimes are not how I want to spend my hours, it just happens. And whether it is how someone spends their freetime, how much food they end of eating, how many hits of a cigarette, the times they go back to a bottle- a person who feels out of control of their own self, is a person not at peace.

As fore mentioned, there are two enemies. Sitting next to Lack-of-Self-Discipline is Identity-Crisis. I like how work, ministry, mom-tasks define me. I love the feeling of being needed (really being recognized for being needed even more), of accomplishing something; helping to carry something out (lesson plan, youth event, party, etc).  Summer, Spring, and Christmas break take a little of that away. And I feel naked and unidentified without it.




***I am greatly resisting the urge to positive spin and optimize this post. I am making an attempt to offer more honest and transparency.

Gifts received

I like Santa, I really do. I like the excitement and the magic that he brings to my kids and so many of my favorite holiday movies.

However the other day, while I was listening to all of those fabulous Christmas songs streaming on pandora as busied myself with something, I heard that ever famous line, "He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake." It bothered me. And I couldn't shake it all day. It seems so contradictory to the truth: We give gifts on Christmas to celebrate love, and family and mostly to remember the gift that God gave to us. The God of the universe gave us his son. Gifted a broken world with the only pure thing that could save us. This gift speaks to the goodness of the giver as much as the badness of the receiver. That first Christmas gift was in response to our failure. And it is a present we can not earn, we can not be good enough for this grace that He "lavished upon us." It brings me to tears. I am overwhelmed by what Jesus means.  What He did that we celebrate in December and far greater the ultimate thing we celebrate in the spring. "How can it be that thou, my God, shouldst die for me?"

I think about the love I have for the people on my list and a small fraction of that grace slips through. I know I buy the things my children and husband want not because they have been perfect, but because I adore them. There is nothing greater than the light of glee in their eyes. Their behavior does not impact my gift giving. Gifts are about love.

Now I'm not going to become the anti Santa mom. But you can count on me telling my kids over and over that Christmas is about the first unearned gift and how powerful and overwhelming and humbling and life changing that really is.

proc·ess ˈpräˌses,ˈpräsəs,ˈprō-/ noun 1. a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.

I have decided that I too would like to join the world of "bloggers."
I have loved words for a long time. Writing them, speaking them, teaching them, reading them, learning them, and hearing them consume nearly my entire life. Although I have at times been frustrated with the the distance that words can not cover in communicating my thoughts, inner turmoil, or ideas- I have been more delighted to see what words could help me see of those things.
I am hoping that this process- this blogging with accomplish several particular ends for me:

Sometimes my heart and mind need a little structure- their states of matter are generally liquid and therefore need something to create shape for them- I am hoping writing/typing them out will make them beautiful and purposeful.

I also seek to reveal a little more truth and honesty with myself and those who observe me. I adore Facebook and Instagram and some might categorize my love for them as an addiction, but I fear in my attempt to be positive, appropriate, encouraging, and blissful to the internet world, I have also shown only the best versions of myself and my family. To a casual onlooker- our little family is a smiling, witty, go-lucky bunch of blonds; when the whole picture includes many petty (and not petty) fights, disappointment, unfiltered doubt, frustration, and mess. This blog will not be a downer, pity party, drama machine, but I promise it will be a place where I will attempt to share more and be more honest with and about myself and you- the reader.

Additionally, I want to be a better writer. I am no longer content being a once-good-writer. And as much as my spontaneous self screams in protest- I gotta practice to be better. I will hopefully allow/force/commit myself to regularly sitting down and putting my thoughts into words. Sometimes that will mean blog posts full of mundane rambling of every day realities, sometimes I will undergo self assigned writing exercises focused on specific skills, and hopefully on occasion some discerning explorations into humanity, philosophy, and/or humor.

Lastly, I just need a place to get what it in my head to where I can hear it and read it and smell it and test it. I need a place to process. I need a place move through wherever it is that my heart and brain have stalled- often without my awareness. I have a tendency to pass over things quickly (there are many reasons for this, to be explored another time), and therefore my thoughts, feeling, and occasionally, body don't catch up. This has tripped me up a time or two, not unlike an untied shoe.

So...I know there are millions of blogs in the world, but if you would like to follow this one and join me in this process, I welcome the company.